Expired Fun #2

You can't travel with it, it's 40 years out of date and the photograph looks nothing like you. But don't let these minor details put you off buying this expired passport -



Yknow what's annoying? Fleas. Yknow what's more annoying? Buying a flea collar that's out of date, doesn't work, makes your cat look ugly AND having your body still covered in attractive bites, with more to look forward to. Thanks, cat! Love you too -



So you think you're pretty clever buying this travel card online, huh? No more queuing on a Monday morning, saving lots of money, etc etc? Well how smart is this, DUMBASS - this card expired 3 years ago, brainiac. Well done, LOSER OF THE YEAR. See you around on your bicycle, jerk -

Christmas Gift Idea

Stuck for what to get your BNP supporting friend this Christmas? They already have the novelty earrings and number plate? Hmm. Oh, I know! Didn't you say your buddy was a keen badge collector? Well then hell, why not get them this -



This eBay listing does come with a polite disclaimer though - "Please note this is for collectors only,and is NOT sold to cause offence or offend anyone. Thank you."

No, thank you.

BNP Number Plate

Got a spare £350 and a burning love for the BNP that can't be expressed by just wearing novelty earrings? Then I say treat yourself this Christmas to this BNP number plate!



What better way to get in with your local BNP group and guarantee a kicking from everyone else?

BNP Earrings

I'm not too sure about the BNP's new champaign. I mean, it's nowhere near as effective as a spray painted wall declaring hate against the local "coloured" people. But penguins? Christmas earrings? And putting them under the title "CuTE BNP EaRrInGs!!" on eBay? I'm not sure if it's another degree of genius so far out there my brain melts just thinking about it, or plain stupidity. Either way, except a lot of your local skinheads declaring an unexpected love for the Antarctic birds.

After Dinner Mints

Worried about bad bodily smells from yours or your partners lower regions? Well now you needn't the embarrassment of saying anything with these handy MINT CONDOMS -



These After Dinner Mint Condoms come in an "easy to assemble novelty box" and would not look out of place at any dinner party. Who said contraception couldn't be fun and refreshing?

Used Hearing Aid

Whoever coined the phrase "sharing is caring" was right. Huh? What did you say? I said, WHOEVER COINED THE PHRASE "SHARING IS CARING" WAS RIGHT. Sorry, just bought this hearing aid off eBay and got a few quid knocked off if I bought without it being cleaned. Huh? What did you say? I said, I JUST BOUGHT THIS HEARING AID OFF eBAY...



That's right, at just £7.31, this used hearing aid could be yours! Please note that it's right ear only, battery not included.

Christmas Themed

Don't tell me you've never thought about owning a naked Santa Claus keyring. No? Really?

A sight no child ever wants to see unless there is a present at the end (and one that's not white and sticky) - Santa covering up his modesty with a hat resembling a huge red penis...



... And Santa's naked arse with either a large spot pulsating on his cheek or a bite mark from a kinky elf.

The Johnny Shop

Whilst browsing for tights today, I stumbled upon a listing for condoms. My favourite part of the listing wasn't the fact that condoms were for sale on eBay, but this -

to me, nothing screams loser more than a friendly reminder that they don't expire for a long, long time. Because, chances are, if you're browsing eBay for contraceptives, you're probably also browsing lonely heart sections and sending your favourite web cam girl money through PayPal while she promises she's in love with you, only you.

I mean, how safe is it to buy condoms on eBay? And do you pay less if it's been "used, but looks new?" Or how about "new, only ever gotten out of packet once?" And if I get knocked up or an STD, does leaving negative feedback affect my sanitary rights for a full refund?

Pet Coffin

I'm really sorry to hear about Benji dying, man. He was a cool dog. Do you remember that time at your birthday party when he rolled around on the floor and his dick popped out? I'll miss him. What's that you say? You're keeping his ashes in a medium sized box shaped like a coffin? And the wood comes in three different colours with felt lined interior? Wow, you're right, man. He only deserves the best. Rest in peace, dude.

Asbo Figurine

I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but what house isn't complete without an "Asbo" figurine decorating their living room's coffee table? This, and I'm reading from the eBay blurb here, is not only "extremely detailed" (ever pregnant stomach? Check. 3 babies by 3 different fathers? Check) but would also make "the perfect gift" for someone (mum's Christmas present? Check).

I want one!

Expired Fun #1

I love people who sell stuff that has long since expired.

Out of date cream that can create unattractive sores and rashes across your head and body? Great!



Two year old eye cream that could blind you? Yes please!



Kids Play Doh that has long expired with the warning: PLEASE NOTE: The dough is past its sell by date and some/most of it has gone soft and sticky? Even better!



A credit card not in your name and years old and long since expired? The more the merrier!

Chavs Do eBay #1

Apart from a bargain, I love chavs on eBay. Their attempt to describe items and love for abbreviation and capital letters is like having your nipples twisted and crotch bitten by a rabid dog in an act of gentle persuasion. Here are a few I found almost straight away -

Broken Nikon Zoom
"This camera is BROKEN, bought it for my mum and she dropped it! Duh!"

Sports Jacket
"LOOK'S PROPER SCALLY ON:) MIGHT ASWELL LET SUM 1 ELSE HAVE IT NOW IVE HAD MY WEAR OUTTA IT!! I USED TO WORK UP A BIG SWEAT IN THIS GOIN JOGGIN U KNOWS THA SCORE BOYZ"

Diesel T Shirt
"like the one beckham has but grey

great t shirt

too big 4 me

was well expensive"

D&G T Shirt
"BLACK WITH LARGE SILVER LOGO ON FRONT AND WHITE LOGO ON BACK AT BOTTOM. CLASSIC D&G, COST BARE $$$. WORN BY POSH& BECKS"